Katz too Blu......: Second Week working in my art journal

Art Journal

I don't remember exactly how I got into the whole process of working in my art journal but I am so glad I found my way there! I have not missed a day since the 1st of November, doing something, if only to write about the day. I have written in a journal for years but they did not include any type of art.
I deal with depression, was diagnosed with bi-polar back in my early thirties and have been on meds ever since. This process that I enjoy so very much is the best kind of meds for me, I know it works. I can be down, not in a good space in my head and when I get to my desk and just do something to get the color flowing, I get so lost and involved in that page, I totally forget how I was feeling when I first sat down. Think the word is flow, to get so into the process you loose track of time. Some days I feel like I'm in a rut but I keep trying one thing or another until it just starts to happen. When things just flow out of your soul and it ends up on that pages.
This past weekend we had company and I was ask to share some of my work with them. I was surprised and shocked by my first reaction, I did not anticipate this feeling of being exposed. I have to say it was not an easy thing to do, I felt like they could almost see into me. As they sat and looked making comments about each page, I lost some of the fear, but I realized that they were getting to see some of the inside of me and I guess I was not sure how they would react to it. I have done some pages where if I am hurting I get it on paper, if I feel lost or feeling invisible to loved ones, I get it out. At the same time, they may have seen me with new eyes, seeing a side that they had never truly come to terms with or wanted to deal with at all. They saw how vulnerable I can get in my every day life. It is part of who I am, some people just don't want to accept that or have this fear of the unknown. My sweet, sweet daughter is one of the happiest people I know, she has the nic-name "Sunshine" from that beautiful smile on her face all the time. She does not want to discuss what it's like to be depressed, it's not that she has not had things in her life to deal with that were sad or depressing, she has, but she just does not deal with depression herself, thank goodness. She has a hard time dealing with me and my lows, it's like she gets impatient with me. Same with my husband, Johnny, he does not know how to help me, there fore he just wants to pretend it does not exists. I get it, they don't know how to fix it, nor do I, but that does not make it go away, it is my constant companion.
The day that I accepted there are no mistakes in art, was one of the best days!!!! I felt free, the fear of the white page was gone, it is a process. One where you keep at it, work thru the uglies, keep challenging yourself, keep learning new ways of adding color to a page.
I am currently taking about 6 or 7 classes, each one different from the other, I am learning so much about art and myself it is mind blowing! Who knows what tomorrow will bring, as long as I can work with color I will keep trying.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Second Week working in my art journal

To say that I am loving this experience does not begin to describe how much I am enjoying this class. First of all I love to watch Julie Balzer's videos, I love to hear her talk while she is doing her art, the way she will express different things, her Ta-Da moments. To me she is one of the most laid back people I have ever seen, I would love to meet her one day. She gets the point across that there are no wrong ways to do this, if you get paint on or off, it does not matter, it will just flow.
The first two page spread I did not have any problems, enjoyed each entry, even found myself wishing we were spending more time "together". Then when we started the next two page spread that is when I hit the wall. OMG, I did not create mud I created something that I called brain matter, all ugly gray. I wanted to cry, I was using a water proof ink pad but for some reason it was bleeding into my spray. I would dry the page and add more spray but that did not help at all. So I gesso the page all over again and started again, the black still would come thru, so my two page spread is like murky water. I had to get up and walk out of the room I was so upset. Talking to myself, I kept saying there is no right or wrong, make it work. So after taking a break and talking, I went back to the journal and took a hard look at what I had to work with and decided to make it an underwater page! Works for me. You be the judge.