Katz too Blu......: The Long and the Short of it

Art Journal

I don't remember exactly how I got into the whole process of working in my art journal but I am so glad I found my way there! I have not missed a day since the 1st of November, doing something, if only to write about the day. I have written in a journal for years but they did not include any type of art.
I deal with depression, was diagnosed with bi-polar back in my early thirties and have been on meds ever since. This process that I enjoy so very much is the best kind of meds for me, I know it works. I can be down, not in a good space in my head and when I get to my desk and just do something to get the color flowing, I get so lost and involved in that page, I totally forget how I was feeling when I first sat down. Think the word is flow, to get so into the process you loose track of time. Some days I feel like I'm in a rut but I keep trying one thing or another until it just starts to happen. When things just flow out of your soul and it ends up on that pages.
This past weekend we had company and I was ask to share some of my work with them. I was surprised and shocked by my first reaction, I did not anticipate this feeling of being exposed. I have to say it was not an easy thing to do, I felt like they could almost see into me. As they sat and looked making comments about each page, I lost some of the fear, but I realized that they were getting to see some of the inside of me and I guess I was not sure how they would react to it. I have done some pages where if I am hurting I get it on paper, if I feel lost or feeling invisible to loved ones, I get it out. At the same time, they may have seen me with new eyes, seeing a side that they had never truly come to terms with or wanted to deal with at all. They saw how vulnerable I can get in my every day life. It is part of who I am, some people just don't want to accept that or have this fear of the unknown. My sweet, sweet daughter is one of the happiest people I know, she has the nic-name "Sunshine" from that beautiful smile on her face all the time. She does not want to discuss what it's like to be depressed, it's not that she has not had things in her life to deal with that were sad or depressing, she has, but she just does not deal with depression herself, thank goodness. She has a hard time dealing with me and my lows, it's like she gets impatient with me. Same with my husband, Johnny, he does not know how to help me, there fore he just wants to pretend it does not exists. I get it, they don't know how to fix it, nor do I, but that does not make it go away, it is my constant companion.
The day that I accepted there are no mistakes in art, was one of the best days!!!! I felt free, the fear of the white page was gone, it is a process. One where you keep at it, work thru the uglies, keep challenging yourself, keep learning new ways of adding color to a page.
I am currently taking about 6 or 7 classes, each one different from the other, I am learning so much about art and myself it is mind blowing! Who knows what tomorrow will bring, as long as I can work with color I will keep trying.

Wednesday, November 30, 2011

The Long and the Short of it

Tomorrow is the last day of November, seems hard to believe that time has gone so fast and Christmas is upon us. I do believe what they say about the older you get the faster time flies. Seems it was just July and we were all at my sister's place on the lake having out Christmas in July. The one time of the year when we are all (or most of us) together. We have grown into a large group, coming from two girls! Momma and Dad would be so damn proud, wish they could have lived to meet these new family members.
Tomorrow marks the last day of the on line class I have been taking in art journal. I have so enjoyed the class, love the girl who is teaching, she has such a big personality and watching her videos you feel as if you can do anything! She has been such a god send to me, I am truly loving what I am doing now with color, can't believe that I am getting to use a paint brush, the small kind! I do believe that with age I have discovered a new kind of freedom, I don't seem so fearful of failure. Where just a few years before I would never have tried to do some of the things that we were shown in the class. Much less post pictures of what I have done! I want to continue doing the daily art journal, this has meant to much to me to just stop now.
Next I want to be able to create my own journal, build the thing up from just paper and thread and see what kind of job I can do.
Thinking about the new year, what is one thing that I really want to do? Loose weight! I want to feel better, look better, dress nicer, Stella needs to get her groove back. I know that my weight has been one reason I have felt so bad the last few days, in fact I know that if I don't do something my heart is not going to take it much longer, it's having to work to hard now. I want to be here to watch my daughter become an "Ironman", I want to yell and scream when she runs across that finish line, I want her to know how proud I am of her, of what she has accomplished in her short life. I want to travel to Austin to visit with Jason, I want him to be proud that I am his Mom and I want Johnny to be happy to be married to me. It will be a lot of work, and it is going to take some time but I know I can do it. It's time to put up or shut up!
Later