It was the worst of times, It was the best of times

The year was 1973, living in the bible belt at the beginning of the "sexual revolution". Sex was not a word that was heard in our home, it's like it did not exists. I don't remember either of my parents discussing sex with me, I just know that I knew a girl did not have sex before they got married, that could have come for going to church. A requirement living with Momma, it always seemed funny how Dad got to sleep in and we had to go to church. To say that we had a strict upbringing would apply but at the time it seemed normal. Kids were not allowed to do anything they wanted to do then, and the only gangs I knew about were the Hell's Angels. There was respect for people in uniform, for your parents, your elders, something that seems to be a thing of the past, sad really.
At the age of 19 little did I know that a decision that I made would change the entire course of my life or how it would affect the way I would come to feel about myself. Much less all of the hurt and pain I caused my parents during that time. I don't think of it as a mistake, but a decision made by a girl who wanted someone to love her and went looking in the wrong place. A girl who thought that it could not happen to her, I mean really did I think I was above this? Apparently!
It's text book really, boys/young men have one thing on their mind and it gets worse as they get older. Not all males are this way, I know, at this time I was engaged to a guy who I had dated for several years, there was never any pressure from him. He was a gentleman and that is one of the reason I went out side of our relationship, I wanted someone who broke the rules, I wanted my James Dean. And I found it, he had the fastest/baddest car in Kingsport, he had a reputation that went along with his car and to me at that time was exciting. I wanted to live a bit on the edge, I was so tired of being "safe".
When I found out I was pregnant there was only one thing on my mind, how was I going to tell Momma and Dad what I had done. After much thought I knew what I had to do, I had to get married and then I would tell Momma and Dad, to me it just seemed the right thing to do, I had made the decision to not wait and I had to make it right.  This was my first time dealing with the thought of an abortion and I stand by the same way of thinking today, life begins at conception, not after the baby looks human.  When I told a few people and the father the first thing that came up was abortion!  I was firm on my stand against this, there was no wavering for me what so ever.  I could not live with myself if I had done this.   I  spent the weekend literally begging the father of my baby to get married, he finally said that he would marry me, give the baby his name and then he was gone. I agreed as quickly as possible, so afraid he would change him mind. A couple of weeks later we got married and moved in with Momma and Dad until we could find a place to live.
A few weeks later we moved into a house that Rich had lived in before he married me. It was a dark, nasty, depressing place. So dirty that at first I would go to a service station to use the bathroom. Then one day Rich's brother showed up and he and I cleaned and cleaned until I felt like it was a clean as we could get it, but it still looked so bad. When I think back on that place, I can not believe that I lived there, much less brought a baby home to that. This was about the time when Momma found some leaflets between the mattress and box spring that I had hidden there about being pregnant. She came over one Saturday morning and ask me if I was pregnant and all I could do was cry. Things were never the same between us again, we could not go back to the way it had been, we were both changed.
To say that I put my parents thru pain is such an understatement, omg, their daughter had brought shame down on them, their baby girl had gone and done the one thing that is as close to a crime as she could get and not get punished by the law. Remember it's early 70's, good girls just did not get pregnant unless they had a ring on their finger. Momma told me Not to come to her school where she taught, Not to come to her church, she did not want any one that she worked with or went to church with knowing what I had done to our family. She called me one morning while I was at work and told me that she was at the hospital with Dad, he had had to be rush there the night before. I ask her what was wrong, she said she had told him about me being pregnant and he must have suffered a heart attack, the doctors had not told her yet. That I had broken his heart. Then all I heard was crying. I ask about coming over to see him and she told me to stay away, that seeing me was the last thing he needed right now.
By the time my first born arrived, Momma and I had a new adult relationship, I don't know if she forgave me, I know she never forgot. We brought home my son Jason to Momma and Dad's house for the first week of his life, I knew NOTHING about babies! I was so afraid. I was in uncharted waters with this new life and I watched everything Momma did. Oh how she loved this little boy, she would just sit and hold him, telling him how much he meant to her. I think this is the first time I remember thinking "Is this my Mother"? Dad was not so quick to come around, I will never really know how he felt, we never talked, esp about this.
As a very young mother, I was 19 when Jason was born, I did not know what to do, how to do it, but the thing that I regret most at this time of Jason's life and my own is I did not know how to really love him. I loved my parents completely, I know that they gave me their best at all times, but they were not ones to show love or affection. I think they gave my sister lots of love and all that goes with it, but by the time I came along they had lost a child, and I think maybe something inside both of them was a bit broken. Not their faults, just the way it was. I did not grow up with touchy feelie stuff, and to this day, I do NOT care for it. While I was growing up I did not miss this, I did not know to miss it.
I thought in raising a child you fed them, you bath them, you put them down for naps or for bedtime. But somewhere I was leaving out the love. My sister would come and visit and oh how she would love on Jason, giving him kisses all over and hugging him and making him laugh. I finally broke down one day and told her that I could not do that, what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I love my own son? She talked to me and told me to just start doing a few things until it got easier for me. At first it felt so unnatural, so fake, but little by little I could feel a change in me, and would realize at times that I was loving on Jason without thinking about it. What a blessing that was.
Yes, I made a decision that not only effected my life but those who were in my life at the time. I caused so much pain to the people I loved most in the world, Momma and Dad, and my sister, Kaye.  But I also have a beautiful, smart, son who I would give my life for. One of my best times. Would I go back and change anything? Not if it meant I would not have my son Jason now. Yes I do regret hurting those that loved me and I should have stuck with my convictions.
I read this today and I think it rings very true: Ignorance, leads to mistakes but mistakes lead to wisdom. I don't feel Jason was a mistake, but going through all the things that I have gone through in my life, I do feel wiser for them. I thank God everyday for not only the good in my life but also for the bad. And I esp thank God for Jason, he helped me learn how to love. He was the light at the end of this tunnel.