My Wonderful Weekend

If all the world does not know by now, I had a wonderful weekend at the beach with ALL of my children, yes, all, count them, One, Two, Three! If the whole world does not know about this wonderful weekend it is not for lack of me trying!  It's as if the stars were in the right formation or I had prayed to God for so long, he must have gotten tired of me asking over and over for just a bit of time with all three of them.  This trip had so much to do with my husband who made it all possible, who wanted it almost as much as I did. I think he cried about it more!
When Summer called me to let me know that she would have a weekend in October off, she ask if it were possible to get the house that we use while in Hilton Head.  I told her I would check and see and get back with her.  At about the same time I was talking with Jason and mentioned the trip to him, not really thinking anything would come of it. During this time, Joseph was also coming to Dublin to get furniture for his place in Iuka, Mississippi so I said something to him as well.  Once I found out that I had the house, I called them all and let them know the dates and what plans we had made.  I knew that Summer and Mat would be there, was pretty sure about Joseph but couldn't say one way or the other about Jason and Lorna.  I would not let myself get my hopes up, I kept telling myself that I would have a good time regardless of who got to come. At first I was going to cook this and that but quickly realized I had no clue who all would be there so I finally decided I would get what I needed when I got there.
On Wednesday afternoon I got a phone call from Joseph, I assumed that he was calling to let me know that he was going to go with us.  Boy was I in for a shock! He first ask how many people will the house sleep, OK peeps, red flags are being thrown right and left!!!! I tell him that it will sleep 12, he then says that he was thinking about bring the girls.  I said well that would be fine, they could sleep together in one of the bunk beds and then this is where it got squirrelly! He starts out by laughing and saying well, it would be a bit more than just Pearl and June.  I did not say a word, mainly because I was speechless! He goes Momma you still there and I"m like Yes, he goes Mandy would have to come as well.  An Atom Bomb has just been dropped, and I need to respond only I still have no words, my mouth is open but NOTHING is coming out!  Ok here goes, I DO NOT like to tell my children NO. Not about small stuff, I know you have to tell you children no about things but when I have been able to go with yes then I tend to do so. I DO NOT like to hurt my children's feelings at all, most times I bite the bullet and give in. So imagine how I felt when these words come flowing out of my mouth!! NO, I do not think that would be a good idea, not this trip. FYI:Mandy is not talking to me these days, she has even had her sister call me and not ask me but tell me not to contact Mandy!  Joseph has ask me not to talk with Mandy, so can you imagine what that would be like if we were to share the same space for a weekend?  Plus it would make everyone who had been invited uncomfortable and I had to put them first.  I tried to explain this to Joseph in the nicest way I could and hope that he would not cancel his trip.  Several hours later, he called again and was telling me that he was not going to make the trip, that he was going to go with Mandy and the girls to Chattanooga, at that point Johnny took the phone from me and walked away.  I do not know what he said to Joseph but when he hung up, he told me that Joseph would be coming to the beach with us.
I left on a Thursday morning, the weather was made for a road trip in a convertible, and I had just the car (thanks to my dear husband). He had had the car detailed for me the day before, so she was looking good!  I had some motown in the cd player, full tank of gas, x-large diet coke in the cup holder and a smile on my face!!!  As I was driving down I realized that Johnny has truly listened to me when I have told him things about myself, like I had always wanted to have a little two seater convertible, that one day I would love to have the money and freedom to just take off and go to the beach, one of my dreams was to be able to take all of my adult children to the beach and just hang out with them.  So I'm driving and it hits me like a brick, he is making my dreams come true, one at a time.  Not only am I driving around in this sweet little black car but I am also headed to the beach and my adult children are coming as well.  I started to cry and had to call him and tell him how special he had made me feel, what a sweet man he was, and how much I loved and appreciated him.  So by now we are both crying! LOL  The ride was made so much sweeter by all of this, no man had ever done anything of this magnitude for me ever and honey I'm only on the drive down!!!!
Summer called to let me know that she and Mat were coming on Thursday as well, she was a bit under the weather and did not feel like working, so this meant that I would not be alone that first night, which was fine by me!  I get to the house, unload the car and head out to Fresh Market, one of my most fav places to go in Hilton Head! They have got the most amazing produce section I have ever seen! OMG I filled up the cart with fruit and veggies, if you have never been to one of these stores, you have got to go!  Took all of these things back to the house, and headed back out.  I like to get a little something for Randy and Cathy(owners of the house) when we go down, so I headed to Pier One, picked up a few things for them, went to Barners and Noble to get a few mags to have handy and decided to get my first meal of the day. (It's like 6:00 p.m.)  I went to two different places but just could not make myself get out of the car and go in. I know it sounds crazy but hey, I'm certifible remember?  So I head over to the Piggly Wiggly to get the rest of the things I need, go back to the house and unload again.  Mean time, Johnny was calling me to update me on any calls he was getting from the boys.  When he called to say that he had just talked to Jason and that they were in Atlanta I was so excited/relieved, it was like I had been holding my breath and I finally could let it out! That is about the time that Summer and Mat got there and the weekend began!
Friday morning I'm up before Summer and that is unheard of!  I just could not wait to get everyone there and head to the beach.  Johnny had called me when Jason, Lorna and Joseph were in Dublin on Thursday night, so weird for them to be at my house and me not there!  By noon Johnny and Joseph arrived, and guess where all 5 of us headed, Fresh Market! LOL  That is where we were when Jason called Johnny for directions to where we were.  Ok to say that I was excited is such an understatement!  We saw them pull into the parking lot and Summer said Momma if you can not contain yourself maybe you need to go out side.  I went running out like a bat shot out of hell!  Trust me the mania had set in, I was shaking so bad, I was laughing and crying at the same time.  And this poor girl with Jason had to think I had lost my mind!  Jason looked amazing! OH how I had missed my son, his smile, his laugh, his eyes.  In my mind I kept repeating Oh Momma, Oh Momma!  We went back in to where the others were waiting and my special weekend was on.
You know your on vacation when there are no plans, no place you have to be, and from just talking with the kids, there was really no place any one wanted to go except to the beach.  So after lunch we all headed out to the beach.  October is a great time to go, the weather is still warm, the beach is not packed with people, we felt like we had the place almost to ourself.  Jason and Lorna got in the water, which was so cold!  Jason, Joseph and Summer had this thing that they were throwing and were having fun just being together, I enjoyed watching my adult kids interact. Yeah, my world at that moment was complete.  Summer and Joseph had a race on the beach that ended up with both in pain!  They had ask Jason to run with them but he declined due to toe cramps,(Summer lol when he told her this) so when we finally left for the day, we had two limping back to the car.  Summer runs everyday and had been training for a 13 mile road race for the next weekend.  We were not sure if that was going to happen now or not, she felt like she had pulled something.  We all felt so bad for her. 
One of the highlights of the trip was Saturday when we all got in the kitchen and worked together to fix our dinner.  Everyone was in a good place and I think each and everyone of us felt good to have the connection again.  It was a chance for us to get to know Lorna, she is just such a sweet lady.  Easy to be with, funny, very laid back, she only eats veggies!  She had lost so much weight and looks amazing.  I had worried about what she would eat but she was so easy to be with.  She really seems to be good for Jason, it shows that they care for each other.  I let them drive my little car and I think they both enjoyed that.  There was lots of talking and laughing, good food, good times and the promise to do it again next year.
Sunday came to fast, I think everyone wished we had one more day! It was sad to see them leave but I did feel that we would be together again in the near future.  As I drove back to Dublin I talked to Momma about the weekend, I thanked God for all of the things he has blessed me with.  I confirmed once again, love and life it's all about family, it's begins and ends with family.  I am one very lucky lady to have such an amazing family and I thank God for each and everyone of you.

Divorce

Such a simple word, but when I think of this word it brings to mind anger, hurt, depression, broken promises, lost love, children that feel they did something to cause this, more hurt, more anger, feeling a hate to the point you question how you ever loved this person?  Wondering if they will come back and ask for forgiveness, that they made a mistake, hoping that they are as lonely as you are, as miserable as you.  A split between two that effects so many. 
When I went thru my divorce I was so afraid, how was I going to be able to take care of my children, esp due to the fact that I did not want to get out of bed in the morning, much less get up with a smile on my face.  What would I tell them when they had questions about what happened.  How could I when I did not understand it myself.  How does one just stop loving another? I had no job, a very small bit of college, I had not worked outside the home in so long, what was I capable of doing?  I lived in Chattanooga with no family or friends for the support, however, my sister would come at the drop of a hat if I needed her and in the end, she and Gary went thru this divorce with me, day by day.  They were my rock and a soft place to fall when I needed either.
There is no other way to say this other than God helped me with one word, just one and I went to the bible to see what I could find about the word.  The word was Lot, how do I know this, because Momma always told me, some times the Lord works with you or thru you by putting things in your mind.  When this happens you will know and it's up to you to do with it what you will.  There were days that went by and this word would not go away, it was there when I woke up and there when I went to bed.  I called Momma and Kaye both and talked to them about this, telling them there was only one thing that made sense to me and that was the story of Lot's wife, who was told not to look back but she did and turned into a pillar of salt.  Could that be it? It had to be, that day when I prayed I told God that I got his message, that I had to stop looking back, I had to look forward, move forward.  From that point on that is what I did and what a blessing it was for me.  The past is just that the past, to look forward is to look to the future and that is what I needed to do.
Joseph and Mandy are now separated and I have tried to help both, I understand what Mandy feels, I know how hard it is until you realize that your life has indeed changed and you need to get with the program.  I know how hard it is on Joseph not getting to see his daughters each and every day, I know he misses them.  There is a part of me who misses Mandy already, I truly love her as a person, have always enjoyed my time with her.  But she was not the best wife to my son, I tried to rationalize this by telling myself, it's his life not mine, if he is happy that is all that matters.  But he was only able to take it for so long and he finally left.  He called me two years ago and told me how he felt but he did not want to leave his girls.  He would call me every day for long periods of time just to have someone to talk with.  I admired him for staying there knowing how he truly felt, but there never seemed to be any let up from Mandy, he could do nothing right.  When he left it came as no surprise to me, but it left Mandy in shock.  She would call me and cry and beg me to make Joseph come back, just one more time.  I tried to talk to her I did more listening than anything because I knew she needed to talk.  I feel that I was as compassionate and understanding as I could be, at the same time making sure that I was loyal to Joseph.  Joseph would call me and thank me for being there for Mandy, that she was putting some of the things I had suggested to use and that he felt like they were working.
Then Sunday I missed a call from Mandy and I returned her call, this was the very first time I had called her since this whole thing started.  She was indifferent to me, said that I was the cause of this breakup and was I happy now, that if Joseph had been talking with her they would still be together.  Then she said that she was going to demand supervised visits for Joseph when he gets to see the girls due to his diabetes.  Yeah, that's about the time I lost it, I have my limits as well.  The only thing I addressed was the visitation, I did not get down and dirty like I wanted to do.  Ended up hanging up on her and then the phone rings again and it's Mandy's sister Robin, demanding that I not call Mandy any more.  Johnny took over then and told Robin that I had only called Mandy one time and she needed to stop talking to me the way she was.  When things had calmed down we talked about what was going on and were on the same page about how everyone feels about this.
I'm so sorry that Joseph is getting a divorce, I wish things could have been different for them, but it is what it is and I will try to be here for him, help him in any way I can.  I will miss Mandy, I already do, it's like a death only that person is still alive, you just don't have them in your lives any more.  Divorce is harder than death, death is final.
If you are one of the lucky one who has never gone thru a divorce you are blessed. 

Certifiable Crazy

I often times use the expression, "I'm certifiable crazy" or I have a legit certificate showing how insane I truly am.  There have been times in my life when I just checked out, could not deal with any more shit, lost the will to live.  Each time I would go to that dark place it seemed harder and harder to come back.  To me it is amazing how your body will do what is necessary to protect itself, or at least your mind does. 
The first time I felt like something was amiss, I was maybe in the 7th grade.  Walking home from school I would some times stop at one or more of the shops there on Lynn Garden Drive.  Like the News Stand for the newest Archie comics, or at McConnell's Grocery to get a half frozen Pepsi, Suger N Spice Bakery for a sweet or the drug store just to browse. Back then the store keepers did not mind you browsing, today I'm sure it would make the store keepers nervous.  This particular day, I was there in the drug store with my cousins Sue and Janice Jessee, we would walk home from school most days together talking and laughing about what had happened at school that day.  I remember standing looking at some greeting cards and before I knew what was happening I had wet my self.  It was really hard to hid it, both pants legs were wet and even my shoes.  I was horrified by what had just happened.  Trust me when I say that it was a very long time before Sue and Janice ever let me forget that!  As if I could.  I walked the rest of the way home in shame, what was wrong with me?  When I got home Momma had also just gotten home from her day at school, I don't remember if she noticed my clothes being wet or if she discovered it later and ask me about it.  I just know that the next day, Dad took me to the doctor.  Ok, how much more humiliating could this get???  When Dr. Brown ask me what had happened I told him of the experience thru tears, he patted my hand and told me that he was going to get Dad.  When they returned to the room Dr. Brown told Dad that I had what was called post traumatic syndrome, what we now call PTSD.  I remember them talking about it a bit more and then we left and went home.  Later that night when Momma and Dad were talking about my doctors visit, I ask Momma what did it mean and she said she did not know.  I remembered a man in our church who always took up the offerings and his head would shake all the time and I had ask Momma what was wrong with him.  She said that he came back from the war like that, that he had seen some very "traumatic" things over there.  So I ask her if I had the same thing as the man at church, "oh no" she told me, what I had some something different.  I heard Dad tell Momma that Dr. Brown said I was a very nervous child and that things affect me differently.  I can still hear Momma saying, "What has she got to be nervous about".  This happened to me several more times over the years but we never discussed it again at home.
Then when I was 19 I started to think about suicide.  I thought of so many ways to do it, who would find me, make it look like an accident?  I remember thinking I did not want to go the way Marilyn Monroe had, with booze and pills, hell I did not even drink!  Then when I found out I was pregnant my thoughts of suicide kicked up a notch or two.
I was about 27 when I went to see my GYN doctor and told him how I was feeling and things I thought, he told me that I needed to see someone and hopefully they could help me with my life.  He sent me to Dr. Lee Solomon, which started years of therapy and so much medication, I can't remember all that he put me on.  I remember the day he told me that I had what was known as manic-depressive, I would have extreme highs and then very low lows.  With some meds, some talk therapy and time he would be able to help me. Oh and did I mention money, yes some money as well.  Ain't nothing in life free even talk!
I started out going to talk therapy with Dr. William Lefton, 5 times a week, and each week I would see Dr. Solomon so he could ask about the meds I was taking and the side effects.  This became my life for such a long time.  Until one day, they decided that I needed to be put into a hospital for "people like me"!  I remember Richard driving me there, walking into the lobby and being lead down a hall to this room with two twin beds and a table between.  A nurse and two men came in with me, while the nurse frisk me, the men went thru my suit case and removed several things that I could not have in my room.  I don't remember being scared altho I know I had to be, but I was on lithium as well as several other meds so I was very cloudy.  I was then taken to met some of the other patients and get to know the lay of the land. 
This place was trying so hard to be like "home" but trust me when I say it was a far cry from home.  You could hear crying all the time, day or night. We had one guy who loved to come out after dinner at night with nothing on but a rain coat, he would run into the room stand in front of the tv and flash everyone.  At first it was a shock, but then you just got use to it, as strange as that sounds!  There was group therapy, talk therapy, grief therapy, there were social workers, psychiatrist, psychotherapist, & psychologist.  I was moved from one office to another one just to see each and talk, talk, talk.
They took away my music, my needle work, my books, if I took a bath, I had to have some one in the room with me at all times with no shower curtain.  There were bars on the windows and the doors, which were locked at all times.  One day while lunch was being served, one of the patients got out of the dinning room, got out the door and went over the fence, the alarms went off and if you had never heard them it was unreal! It turned into a zoo, patients on the floor, some clapping and cheering, some crying, others were so drugged up they did not know anything had happened.
The only person I wanted to visit me during my stay was Richard, I did not want my children to see me here nor Momma or Kaye.  On one occasion Richard brought me a gift, a bottle of Calvin Klein's Obsession cologne! When I opened it I could not stop laughing, I found it a bit ironic to be in a mental hospital and he gets me obsession!  Which they took from me very quickly!  Glass might break the bottle and cut my wrist.
I remember I wrote to Amy just about every day, I don't know why unless I felt like she more than anyone would understand the pain, the confusion, the hurt and despair.  The feeling of total hopelessness and such a loss of self.  When you see no light at the end of the tunnel, you feel so lost. I use to refer to this thing as a wolf in pursuit, nipping at my ankles, and there are times when he gets just too close and I can't run any more.
According to my doctors I suffered three breakdowns during this time, they felt it came from the emotional, physical and psychological abuse from Richard. Dr. Lefton would advise me weekly to get a divorce, that Richard was the source of most of my pain.  And I would tell him each and every time, divorce was not a option for me, was against my religion.  He would then say so is suicide, in which I would agree. 
It is amazing how the mind works, and after all that me and my mind have gone thru I still suffer from being bi-polar, take meds each and every day.  I understand this thing that I have control over these days, I know when I'm having a high and can feel the low coming on.  But I have them, they do not have me.  I do have times when that wolf gets a bit too close for comfort, when the thoughts of ending my life seems sweet not selfish, when I just don't have the will to go on, but they are few and far between.  I realize now that everyday can't be a walk in the park, but it's not hell on earth either. Not like it use to be.
I have had one constant in my life thru this journey and that has been my sister Kaye.  She has been there for me each and every step of the way.  She never said no to me, she has spent hours upon hours listening to me talk, bless her heart, I know she has been a life line for me my entire life and I have a love for her like no other.
I do believe that mental illness runs in families, just like heart problems, cancer, being an alcoholic.  In one therapy group I was a member, we were to trace back in our family, members who had suffered from this as well, yeah, our family has some nuts in it I found out.  Not naming names, you know who you are! LOL
I'll end this in saying, "I'm not crazy, I'm certifiable"!

It was the worst of times, It was the best of times

The year was 1973, living in the bible belt at the beginning of the "sexual revolution". Sex was not a word that was heard in our home, it's like it did not exists. I don't remember either of my parents discussing sex with me, I just know that I knew a girl did not have sex before they got married, that could have come for going to church. A requirement living with Momma, it always seemed funny how Dad got to sleep in and we had to go to church. To say that we had a strict upbringing would apply but at the time it seemed normal. Kids were not allowed to do anything they wanted to do then, and the only gangs I knew about were the Hell's Angels. There was respect for people in uniform, for your parents, your elders, something that seems to be a thing of the past, sad really.
At the age of 19 little did I know that a decision that I made would change the entire course of my life or how it would affect the way I would come to feel about myself. Much less all of the hurt and pain I caused my parents during that time. I don't think of it as a mistake, but a decision made by a girl who wanted someone to love her and went looking in the wrong place. A girl who thought that it could not happen to her, I mean really did I think I was above this? Apparently!
It's text book really, boys/young men have one thing on their mind and it gets worse as they get older. Not all males are this way, I know, at this time I was engaged to a guy who I had dated for several years, there was never any pressure from him. He was a gentleman and that is one of the reason I went out side of our relationship, I wanted someone who broke the rules, I wanted my James Dean. And I found it, he had the fastest/baddest car in Kingsport, he had a reputation that went along with his car and to me at that time was exciting. I wanted to live a bit on the edge, I was so tired of being "safe".
When I found out I was pregnant there was only one thing on my mind, how was I going to tell Momma and Dad what I had done. After much thought I knew what I had to do, I had to get married and then I would tell Momma and Dad, to me it just seemed the right thing to do, I had made the decision to not wait and I had to make it right.  This was my first time dealing with the thought of an abortion and I stand by the same way of thinking today, life begins at conception, not after the baby looks human.  When I told a few people and the father the first thing that came up was abortion!  I was firm on my stand against this, there was no wavering for me what so ever.  I could not live with myself if I had done this.   I  spent the weekend literally begging the father of my baby to get married, he finally said that he would marry me, give the baby his name and then he was gone. I agreed as quickly as possible, so afraid he would change him mind. A couple of weeks later we got married and moved in with Momma and Dad until we could find a place to live.
A few weeks later we moved into a house that Rich had lived in before he married me. It was a dark, nasty, depressing place. So dirty that at first I would go to a service station to use the bathroom. Then one day Rich's brother showed up and he and I cleaned and cleaned until I felt like it was a clean as we could get it, but it still looked so bad. When I think back on that place, I can not believe that I lived there, much less brought a baby home to that. This was about the time when Momma found some leaflets between the mattress and box spring that I had hidden there about being pregnant. She came over one Saturday morning and ask me if I was pregnant and all I could do was cry. Things were never the same between us again, we could not go back to the way it had been, we were both changed.
To say that I put my parents thru pain is such an understatement, omg, their daughter had brought shame down on them, their baby girl had gone and done the one thing that is as close to a crime as she could get and not get punished by the law. Remember it's early 70's, good girls just did not get pregnant unless they had a ring on their finger. Momma told me Not to come to her school where she taught, Not to come to her church, she did not want any one that she worked with or went to church with knowing what I had done to our family. She called me one morning while I was at work and told me that she was at the hospital with Dad, he had had to be rush there the night before. I ask her what was wrong, she said she had told him about me being pregnant and he must have suffered a heart attack, the doctors had not told her yet. That I had broken his heart. Then all I heard was crying. I ask about coming over to see him and she told me to stay away, that seeing me was the last thing he needed right now.
By the time my first born arrived, Momma and I had a new adult relationship, I don't know if she forgave me, I know she never forgot. We brought home my son Jason to Momma and Dad's house for the first week of his life, I knew NOTHING about babies! I was so afraid. I was in uncharted waters with this new life and I watched everything Momma did. Oh how she loved this little boy, she would just sit and hold him, telling him how much he meant to her. I think this is the first time I remember thinking "Is this my Mother"? Dad was not so quick to come around, I will never really know how he felt, we never talked, esp about this.
As a very young mother, I was 19 when Jason was born, I did not know what to do, how to do it, but the thing that I regret most at this time of Jason's life and my own is I did not know how to really love him. I loved my parents completely, I know that they gave me their best at all times, but they were not ones to show love or affection. I think they gave my sister lots of love and all that goes with it, but by the time I came along they had lost a child, and I think maybe something inside both of them was a bit broken. Not their faults, just the way it was. I did not grow up with touchy feelie stuff, and to this day, I do NOT care for it. While I was growing up I did not miss this, I did not know to miss it.
I thought in raising a child you fed them, you bath them, you put them down for naps or for bedtime. But somewhere I was leaving out the love. My sister would come and visit and oh how she would love on Jason, giving him kisses all over and hugging him and making him laugh. I finally broke down one day and told her that I could not do that, what was wrong with me? Why couldn't I love my own son? She talked to me and told me to just start doing a few things until it got easier for me. At first it felt so unnatural, so fake, but little by little I could feel a change in me, and would realize at times that I was loving on Jason without thinking about it. What a blessing that was.
Yes, I made a decision that not only effected my life but those who were in my life at the time. I caused so much pain to the people I loved most in the world, Momma and Dad, and my sister, Kaye.  But I also have a beautiful, smart, son who I would give my life for. One of my best times. Would I go back and change anything? Not if it meant I would not have my son Jason now. Yes I do regret hurting those that loved me and I should have stuck with my convictions.
I read this today and I think it rings very true: Ignorance, leads to mistakes but mistakes lead to wisdom. I don't feel Jason was a mistake, but going through all the things that I have gone through in my life, I do feel wiser for them. I thank God everyday for not only the good in my life but also for the bad. And I esp thank God for Jason, he helped me learn how to love. He was the light at the end of this tunnel.

As The World Turns

I love "As The World Turns"! I have watched this soap opera since before I could walk and talk, you see my Momma watched it during the summer months when school was out. She was a school teacher, so by the time she got home from school the soap was over. There were not vcrs then either. Funny how with only three months of the year to watch, she was able to keep up with the Hughes family. The show started around the time I was born, so I feel as if some of these characters are family. We ate lunch to this soap, when I hear the music I know it is lunch time. Through the years the time has changed which has put my lunch time later and later, but I still have lunch with those wonderful people of Oak-dale!
There have been lots of changes with the show, you have new actors taking over roles, new plots which can be hit or miss. There is a very select few couples who have been left alone to be happy. I guess if they were all happy the show would get boring. You have your nice, straight laced people then there are the villains, James Standbeck is one of those who never seems to die!
The show is to come to a close this September and I for one will miss these people! Who am I to eat lunch with now? When I heard the news I was heart sick, this show has been with me since forever! ATWT I will miss you,

There's always a first time

There's always a first time for everything and I must admit not only this being new to me but I am a bit apprehensive about the whole thing. However I plan on giving it a try and see if this can some how take the place of writing in my journal. It sure would be easier for me all the way around. There are a lot of times when I want to get my thoughts out there and sitting down and taking the time to write just is not in the cards for me. Typing is much easier to do and to read! I do not expect to have words to inspire others, nor do I want to put something out there that would cause harm or hurt. These views/expressions are my own, there seems at times to be so much going on in my head, with no place to go. Have I just described a blog? I think so.
I hope that I do not become my worst critic, I seem to find fault with everything I do, it's just never good enough. Can you really fail at writing on a blog? If there is a way, I'm sure I will find it.
So with that in mind, I shall attempt to do this thing called blog.