Katz too Blu......: Got To Start At Some Point

Art Journal

I don't remember exactly how I got into the whole process of working in my art journal but I am so glad I found my way there! I have not missed a day since the 1st of November, doing something, if only to write about the day. I have written in a journal for years but they did not include any type of art.
I deal with depression, was diagnosed with bi-polar back in my early thirties and have been on meds ever since. This process that I enjoy so very much is the best kind of meds for me, I know it works. I can be down, not in a good space in my head and when I get to my desk and just do something to get the color flowing, I get so lost and involved in that page, I totally forget how I was feeling when I first sat down. Think the word is flow, to get so into the process you loose track of time. Some days I feel like I'm in a rut but I keep trying one thing or another until it just starts to happen. When things just flow out of your soul and it ends up on that pages.
This past weekend we had company and I was ask to share some of my work with them. I was surprised and shocked by my first reaction, I did not anticipate this feeling of being exposed. I have to say it was not an easy thing to do, I felt like they could almost see into me. As they sat and looked making comments about each page, I lost some of the fear, but I realized that they were getting to see some of the inside of me and I guess I was not sure how they would react to it. I have done some pages where if I am hurting I get it on paper, if I feel lost or feeling invisible to loved ones, I get it out. At the same time, they may have seen me with new eyes, seeing a side that they had never truly come to terms with or wanted to deal with at all. They saw how vulnerable I can get in my every day life. It is part of who I am, some people just don't want to accept that or have this fear of the unknown. My sweet, sweet daughter is one of the happiest people I know, she has the nic-name "Sunshine" from that beautiful smile on her face all the time. She does not want to discuss what it's like to be depressed, it's not that she has not had things in her life to deal with that were sad or depressing, she has, but she just does not deal with depression herself, thank goodness. She has a hard time dealing with me and my lows, it's like she gets impatient with me. Same with my husband, Johnny, he does not know how to help me, there fore he just wants to pretend it does not exists. I get it, they don't know how to fix it, nor do I, but that does not make it go away, it is my constant companion.
The day that I accepted there are no mistakes in art, was one of the best days!!!! I felt free, the fear of the white page was gone, it is a process. One where you keep at it, work thru the uglies, keep challenging yourself, keep learning new ways of adding color to a page.
I am currently taking about 6 or 7 classes, each one different from the other, I am learning so much about art and myself it is mind blowing! Who knows what tomorrow will bring, as long as I can work with color I will keep trying.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Got To Start At Some Point

There comes a point in ones life where they have to make themselves do what is necessary to make some changes, drastic changes, life long changes, small changes, life altering changes. People do not like to make changes to their lives, goes against the grain, means work, means that you are going to have to do something that you don't want to do but know in your heart that it is what is best for you and sometimes for those around you.

I have been here before, I know how hard it will be, I understand that I have to be dedicated to this change completely and I feel that I am. My change is to loose weight, I want to feel better, I'm tired of feeling the way I do, I hate to look at myself, I do not like the person I have become and I know that the only person who can make this happen is me. I did this to myself therefore I am the only one who can do what is necessary to feel better, look better, etc.

I admit to using food as a way to comfort myself, when I feel down, when I feel lonely, when I feel depressed, I turn to food. Food does not judge, it does not tell you that you look like a blimp, it just comforts. I admit that my food of choice is a bag of chips, it makes me feel secure when I know that I have several bags in the cabinet. I admit that I only eat chips while alone because I am ashamed to let someone see me eating them. I have had panic attacks when I have been eating some of my trusty bag of chips and someone ring the door bell, how sad is that?

In the past I have done every diet that is out there plus more. I have done the laxatives, the diuretics, the not eating for as long as three weeks. All types of diet pills that would make my heart race, knowing full well that I was not treating my body right. But feeling like if i was thin my life would be so much better. I was anorexia before it had a name, could drop 25-30 lbs in two weeks from not eating. AND feel good about myself.

I went thru a divorce and I have to say that I have said that it was the best diet I have ever had, but in reality I took charge of my body and my diet and lost over 100 lbs. I swore that I would never be fat again. Kinda like Scarlett O'Hara saying "I will never go hungry again" . Then I went threw more stress, I got remarried, move to another state, had a blended family, and had to go to work out side the home. Plus both of my parents were not in good health and with work and children in school I could not travel to see them very often. So the weight started creeping on again and I just let it go.I had enough to deal with my weight was not at the top of the list.

My Momma passed, then five months later my Dad passed, one uncle, one aunt and my grand mother passed all within a 6 months period. I was working a job that I detested, the weight just started to get totally out of hand and the thought of what I would need to do to get it off was just overwhelming. I quit the job and was home with my chips! Here I am 6 years later and now I have even more weight to get off. No one fault but my own and I own that. I have not cared about how I looked, how I felt, what I was doing to my body. It just did not seem very important to me.

Then I started making myself look in the mirror, I made myself be honest about how I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, the way I just let myself go. I was living as if I might die tomorrow so who cares what I look like. I would order clothes and be excited about them when they came, go try them on and want to die, because they did look like I wanted them to look, they just looked big.

So I'm taking the bull by the horns, I know that I am at the very bottom of that hill, but I have to start somewhere and I have to start some time. Today I started, I walked for 30 minutes or 1 mile. I want to get that old feeling again, release those little buddies that will make me feel better. I want to get clothes that make me feel good about being in my own skin. I want to make my daughter and my husband proud of taking charge of my body. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see. I want to feel better, not be out of breath from walking to the mail box or up a flight of stairs.

I have done this before, I can and will do it again!!!