Katz too Blu......: May 2011

Art Journal

I don't remember exactly how I got into the whole process of working in my art journal but I am so glad I found my way there! I have not missed a day since the 1st of November, doing something, if only to write about the day. I have written in a journal for years but they did not include any type of art.
I deal with depression, was diagnosed with bi-polar back in my early thirties and have been on meds ever since. This process that I enjoy so very much is the best kind of meds for me, I know it works. I can be down, not in a good space in my head and when I get to my desk and just do something to get the color flowing, I get so lost and involved in that page, I totally forget how I was feeling when I first sat down. Think the word is flow, to get so into the process you loose track of time. Some days I feel like I'm in a rut but I keep trying one thing or another until it just starts to happen. When things just flow out of your soul and it ends up on that pages.
This past weekend we had company and I was ask to share some of my work with them. I was surprised and shocked by my first reaction, I did not anticipate this feeling of being exposed. I have to say it was not an easy thing to do, I felt like they could almost see into me. As they sat and looked making comments about each page, I lost some of the fear, but I realized that they were getting to see some of the inside of me and I guess I was not sure how they would react to it. I have done some pages where if I am hurting I get it on paper, if I feel lost or feeling invisible to loved ones, I get it out. At the same time, they may have seen me with new eyes, seeing a side that they had never truly come to terms with or wanted to deal with at all. They saw how vulnerable I can get in my every day life. It is part of who I am, some people just don't want to accept that or have this fear of the unknown. My sweet, sweet daughter is one of the happiest people I know, she has the nic-name "Sunshine" from that beautiful smile on her face all the time. She does not want to discuss what it's like to be depressed, it's not that she has not had things in her life to deal with that were sad or depressing, she has, but she just does not deal with depression herself, thank goodness. She has a hard time dealing with me and my lows, it's like she gets impatient with me. Same with my husband, Johnny, he does not know how to help me, there fore he just wants to pretend it does not exists. I get it, they don't know how to fix it, nor do I, but that does not make it go away, it is my constant companion.
The day that I accepted there are no mistakes in art, was one of the best days!!!! I felt free, the fear of the white page was gone, it is a process. One where you keep at it, work thru the uglies, keep challenging yourself, keep learning new ways of adding color to a page.
I am currently taking about 6 or 7 classes, each one different from the other, I am learning so much about art and myself it is mind blowing! Who knows what tomorrow will bring, as long as I can work with color I will keep trying.

Friday, May 27, 2011

she is.............................

Monday, May 2, 2011

Flow

Have you ever gotten so involved into something that you loose track of time and space? You are so into what you are doing that nothing seems to be more important than what is in front of you? That is what is called "flow" and that is how I am with scrap booking, I loose track of time, the day just seems to melt away. When I read a book or work on a quilt top the day just seems to have fewer hours. I love to get into what ever I'm doing that way. I know that when I look up and the clock has moved forward hours when it seems like it should only be minutes that I have been in this zone where I am doing some thing that I love.

Growing up I dreamed of being an artist, then when I took art in school I realized that I did not have the talent necessary to be able to draw or paint, and I feel that you either have it or you don't, I don't feel that you can "learn" how to draw a face or paint a landscape. My son is an artist, not your typical artist, he has this knack of creating layers on top of layers of color and shapes that are just magic to me. In some of his work you can see something new in them just about every time you look at one. Most of the time he will have fish and birds in them, but they may not be so clear to see at first.

Then there is my niece Amy who is so talented in every medium, the year that she gave me two pieces of her art work of my children, well they are two of the most treasured gifts I have ever received. She had use photos of Summer and Jason and did one in water colors and the other in pastels. A few years later she gave me one of my son Joseph, it is called "Blue Bubba" and it is done with either oil or acrylic and it is amazing!

Johnny's niece Page is also an artist, I am lucky enough to have one of her originals of a street in Spain that she did while living there. She teaches different methods of art in N. C. and has her work in several galleries.

While not able to do my art work with a paint brush, pen or pencil, I wanted to work with color and I found that making quilt tops gave me that outlet. I do quilt but my first love is the design and colors of the top. I prefer the Amish quilts, like to use black as a main color which make the other colors pop. I attended a quilt show of Amish quilts and they work is amazing!

Then I found scrap booking and I love to spend my time creating a layout, writing about a memory, thinking that one day when I'm no longer here, my children and grand children will look at them and enjoy my take on life.

Everyone needs an outlet to find their flow, my daughter's is in running, she lives to get out there and run. I'm sure it makes her feel just like I do when I'm scrappin. If you don't have that special thing I hope that you find it. It will take you away from everything but that one thing and it's a break from all of the worldly things that we have to deal with on a day to day basis. Find your flow..........................

Jason

Jason, a photo by Kat Layton on Flickr.

Jason @ 10 during one of our trips to Kingsport over the 4th of July. You were such a wonderful young man and a great big brother. Full of wonder and all of the possibilities that life had to offer.

Got To Start At Some Point

There comes a point in ones life where they have to make themselves do what is necessary to make some changes, drastic changes, life long changes, small changes, life altering changes. People do not like to make changes to their lives, goes against the grain, means work, means that you are going to have to do something that you don't want to do but know in your heart that it is what is best for you and sometimes for those around you.

I have been here before, I know how hard it will be, I understand that I have to be dedicated to this change completely and I feel that I am. My change is to loose weight, I want to feel better, I'm tired of feeling the way I do, I hate to look at myself, I do not like the person I have become and I know that the only person who can make this happen is me. I did this to myself therefore I am the only one who can do what is necessary to feel better, look better, etc.

I admit to using food as a way to comfort myself, when I feel down, when I feel lonely, when I feel depressed, I turn to food. Food does not judge, it does not tell you that you look like a blimp, it just comforts. I admit that my food of choice is a bag of chips, it makes me feel secure when I know that I have several bags in the cabinet. I admit that I only eat chips while alone because I am ashamed to let someone see me eating them. I have had panic attacks when I have been eating some of my trusty bag of chips and someone ring the door bell, how sad is that?

In the past I have done every diet that is out there plus more. I have done the laxatives, the diuretics, the not eating for as long as three weeks. All types of diet pills that would make my heart race, knowing full well that I was not treating my body right. But feeling like if i was thin my life would be so much better. I was anorexia before it had a name, could drop 25-30 lbs in two weeks from not eating. AND feel good about myself.

I went thru a divorce and I have to say that I have said that it was the best diet I have ever had, but in reality I took charge of my body and my diet and lost over 100 lbs. I swore that I would never be fat again. Kinda like Scarlett O'Hara saying "I will never go hungry again" . Then I went threw more stress, I got remarried, move to another state, had a blended family, and had to go to work out side the home. Plus both of my parents were not in good health and with work and children in school I could not travel to see them very often. So the weight started creeping on again and I just let it go.I had enough to deal with my weight was not at the top of the list.

My Momma passed, then five months later my Dad passed, one uncle, one aunt and my grand mother passed all within a 6 months period. I was working a job that I detested, the weight just started to get totally out of hand and the thought of what I would need to do to get it off was just overwhelming. I quit the job and was home with my chips! Here I am 6 years later and now I have even more weight to get off. No one fault but my own and I own that. I have not cared about how I looked, how I felt, what I was doing to my body. It just did not seem very important to me.

Then I started making myself look in the mirror, I made myself be honest about how I hated the way I looked, the way I felt, the way I just let myself go. I was living as if I might die tomorrow so who cares what I look like. I would order clothes and be excited about them when they came, go try them on and want to die, because they did look like I wanted them to look, they just looked big.

So I'm taking the bull by the horns, I know that I am at the very bottom of that hill, but I have to start somewhere and I have to start some time. Today I started, I walked for 30 minutes or 1 mile. I want to get that old feeling again, release those little buddies that will make me feel better. I want to get clothes that make me feel good about being in my own skin. I want to make my daughter and my husband proud of taking charge of my body. I want to be able to look in the mirror and not be ashamed of what I see. I want to feel better, not be out of breath from walking to the mail box or up a flight of stairs.

I have done this before, I can and will do it again!!!